This is the sixth part to a series of blogs that I will be posting. These are very, very personal stories. The events I share were impactful and part of my journey which formed the path to where I am today. I have kept names out to protect those involved. These are my stories from my recollection. Drug use, binge drinking, and physical abuse will be described throughout the series.
The end of July 2008 couldn't come fast enough. I was finishing up my 80 hours of community service and I was ready to close the door on this chapter. G and I were still hanging out during the summer, but I could feel that things were changing. He was changing. I was changing. I was beginning to really evaluate things in my life and I was ready to move forward in life. I knew I couldn't do that with G still hanging around.
I turned in my completed community service hours at my last court date and I was ready for a vacation. I went on a four day cruise to Mexico to celebrate before I went back to work. During this time, I was getting deeper into Buddhist studies and reading a lot of Buddhist literature. The lotus flower stuck out to me. I started reading and learning about the significance of this flower; how it grows from the bottom of a muddy, murky pool of water. It perseveres and finds its way to the top of the pond leaving its beauty on display for all to enjoy. I felt like I was blossoming after my hit-and-run experience. I had a lesson that I learned from and I was ready to make some changes to my life. The lotus aka the water lily is also the flower for the month of July, which happens to be the month my Mom was born. I made an appointment to get a lotus flower tattooed on my arm. After all the drama I had gone through earlier that year, I felt like I was re-born. It was a new beginning for me and I was ready.
Sometime in September, I received a message on MySpace from a friend from high school. This guy had been someone who I liked a lot in high school. We met in a summer school ceramics class before my Senior year and I fell hard for him. He was a year younger and not very experienced in dating, so nothing much came of it, except for a friendship. We would talk on the phone at night getting to know each other better and had a great friendship until I started dating a guy that I would be with for the next five years. We lost touch after high school. And there it was . . . a message from my old friend. It gave me butterflies, I honestly couldn't believe he would even look for me on social media. He asked if I wanted to get together for a drink. He still lived in the neighborhood and I wasn't that far from where he lived.
The day we scheduled to have drinks had arrived! I'm not going to lie, I was very excited to see him. I picked up my cute just altered Seven jeans (it was 2008- Seven jeans were hot!) and a cute burgundy top that showed off my new ink. I felt good. I felt hot. For some random reason (it's like he always knew when there was another guy around me,) G texted me that evening and something clicked. It dawned on me that G and I were NEVER going to work out. I was NEVER going to end up with him. I had to leave him behind. All of sudden, I felt this rush of new energy and I was looking forward to the prospect of possibly dating my crush from high school. I told myself even if this get together with my high school crush didn't turn into anything, that was okay. I felt like I could finally move on from G. And my friend from high school helped me realize that there were more fish in the sea. There was no reason to settle for something or someone that I really didn't want OR someone who didn't want ME.
I showed up at the Bigfoot Lodge, smoking hot, smelling good, and hair done. I wanted to look amazing. When I saw him, my heart skipped a beat. He was just as dreamy as I remember, yet older and had experience now. He was a smoke-jumper and in great shape. He accomplished all of this dreams and was single. The energy between us was electric, but I had to play it cool. Our conversation flowed and we had so much to tell each other. It was getting pretty late and I had work the next day, so he walked me out to my car. And we kissed. I felt the electricity and I literally floated home.
We began to see each other pretty regularly. I was his last call at night, which made me feel pretty special. We dated casually for a while and things were going pretty well . . . until, I lost my cool. I really wanted him to commit. He wasn't ready. Of course, my bad habits and insecurities began to resurface. I was worried I wasn't enough for him. It all fell apart in November after a drunken night of me crying on the phone to him about commitment. It was clear that he just wanted to keep things casual and I was not going to settle for that. So, in a way my insecurities saved me from wasting anymore time on someone who wasn't ready or didn't want to be with me.
This is the end of the series . . . oh, but let me tell you, I have two more years of dating mishaps and revelations that I had to experience before I met my match. I know now, that I had to experience all those uncomfortable situations to grow into the woman I am today. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading my stories. I share my stories to give hope to those who are in similar situations and need to see how their lives can change when they put in the work to change their behavior. I also share my stories as a form of self-healing. When I can reflect back on my history and the choices I made as a young adult, I can then see how my childhood greatly impacted my choices. Yoga has obviously played a significant in my growth as a human and I am so grateful that I have yoga as a tool. I don't share my stories for attention or pity, but more of a guide for those who are receptive to my message. Again, many, many thanks.
Stay well, friends!!
Namasté,
KC