It's kinda funny. I think we reach a certain age in life and we think we have it figured out. We know what to expect since we've been around the block a few times. And then something happens that changes you and you realize that you know nothing and nothing is ever certain. It basically rocks your world down to the foundation.
This summer has been one of the most challenging times I've experienced in years. From grieving the loss of my unborn child, the loss of loved ones, and mourning over long-time friendships ending; divorce is a different kind of loss. Two people walking away from something that felt so permanent, yet so fragile at the same time. I've learned that love just isn't enough to suffice a marriage.
This Mark Twain quote is a favorite of my ex-husband's and he says it often. How fitting.
The lesson I keep coming back to is that nothing, nothing is permanent. Everything changes and that is the cycle of life. Feelings change. Priorities shift. People's needs change. We hope to grow and change together. At least that's what I thought marriage was about. Again, I find myself not knowing anything anymore.
All the things I thought were so certain, are not anymore. Life is one crazy ride with so many unexpected turns and stops. I am currently standing still trying to figure out the next step. In all honesty, that's all I can do right now. Just stand still and wait for everything to slow down and stop spinning. The next move is forward because that is what I've always done; put one foot right in front of the other. But this time, I'm doing this with no liquid courage. There is no numbing this pain this time. I am standing fully and completely in my emotions and I'm learning to ride those necessary waves to work through this instead of around it.
No one tells you about divorce and how you grieve; just like you would a death. It's even worse than death because divorce is a choice. I know there is still love, but sometimes love just isn't enough to keep two people together. It brings me great comfort knowing he is my friend for life.
If you are struggling, you are NOT alone. I found myself in a support group meeting not knowing if that was the right place to be. I soon realized that it was time to use the tools I have gained over the last 10 years to help soothe my aching heart (was THIS the reason why I did all that inner work and growth?) I find myself coming back to journal writing to get all of these thoughts down on paper so they don't plague me and drag me down. Teaching yoga has been a lifesaver for me. The quickest way out of feeling blue and overthinking is for me to be of service. I have always vowed to be as transparent and real as possible when I share my stories. And this is about as real as I can get right now. I'm not going to lie, there have been significant ups and downs, random crying outbursts, anger, sadness and more sadness. But I know I will be okay, I always am. The other day my ex called me a 'survivor,' I hardly feel that way. But I suppose I am. I will survive this just like all the other obstacles life has thrown at me. What doesn't kill me, WILL make me stronger, I know it.
Xoxo,
Your Humble Yogini
KC