It's funny how once you think you have mastered a skill, talent, or lesson, the Universe (or whatever you call the creator) has a way of testing you to make sure. These lessons or tests can be painful. But know that beyond the discomfort of the pain, is growth; a newer, better version of YOU. And that my friends, is kind of exciting.
Sometimes there is a fork in the road where you need to make a choice. Sometimes that choice is choosing something familiar and sometimes it means picking something unfamiliar. When presented with these choices it is important to ask yourself if this familiar thing feels positive or negative. As humans we gravitate towards what is familiar and known, even if it was toxic or detrimental to our own welfare. My recent experience has felt like the Universe asking me: "So you think you want this? Are you sure about that? We've been here before." And me saying: "Yes, please, may I have another?" So painful.
I have been pretty upfront and open about my codependency that stems from my childhood trauma. I have been sharing more on social media about my struggles with anxiety and complex PTSD. So my blog space will be no different. I have shared very intimate things from my past and I do that all for the sole purpose of being of service; to offer my story as a human experience and show we are all on a journey of growth. Maybe your journey or stories are similar to mine. And if not, maybe the gift is learning to see from another's perspective knowing what they have survived. I believe lived experience and sharing stories is how we communicate and how we bond as humans. One thing I can take away from this recent experience is realizing curiosity is a good thing. It is a good and normal thing to ask questions and to want to know more. It is in the questions that we learn more about each other and learn how to handle one another. We don't necessarily have instruction manuals, but we have past experiences and we can share those with people as we get to know them and form stronger bonds with them. These experiences also teach us what kind of treatment is acceptable and what is not.
A lesson that has repeated for me again was related to self-worth. I thought I had grown from my old ways, but triggers die hard. My triggers were activated and old habits came back. I felt my vibration lower immediately and it kept me in a perpetual cycle of fight-flight-freeze-fawn; my sympathetic nervous system was activated frequently. While in that state, I was unable to feel safe and thrive. This is why I have been so absent from my passions for the past 14 months. I am slowly regaining my power over my life and I am starting to feel like the new version of ME.
As painful as my experience has been for the last 14 months, I know I am walking away wiser, stronger, and more capable than ever. I am back to devoting myself to my duties (one of the core principles of Reiki,) I am re-discovering the things that bring me joy and happiness. I am re-dedicating myself to love and happiness; if something enters my life it has to bring love and happiness and if it does not, it has no place in my life. My inner peace and my mental health are far more important than trying to be perfect for someone who did not deserve me in the first place. The bar is high. I will no longer accept what is not for me. I will only give my energy to things and people who have a place in my future; not my past.
xoxo,
Your Unapologetic Yogini
KC
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